Healing

‘It’s all my fault. Everything I do is wrong.’ 

I had heard those words from a twelve year old girl at a live-in we were organising in Malta. 

Since her friends had asked us to help inflate her mattress, Abigail had repeated an iteration of those words every few seconds.

The air pump did not work, which was apparently her fault. Her friend’s pump did not fit, which also must have been because of her. We were taking time to inflate it manually. That too was surely because she was completely useless.

Abigail perceived herself as being a complete waste of space.

In her eyes, she was good for nothing, and everything bad that happened was her doing. Even if something was completely unrelated to her, she blamed herself.

Abigail was just twelve, trying to spend a night at a school with her friends. Every few moments, she called her mother, who was working a night shift. 

My encounter with her left me wondering. 

What had she heard, for her to think so terribly of herself? How had she been treated? What will her perception of herself be when she grows up?

The perception we have of ourselves can be distorted. We can look at who we are based on who we see around us, comparing and judging. This could slowly lead to thinking that we are better, or worse than those around us.

Or we might form our perception based on what others say about us, and what we notice in ourselves. We take note of the compliments we are given, the advice we receive, and let it shape how we view ourself. 

But the things we notice are not necessarily accurate. We can be selective on who or what we listen to. We might let our past determine who we can become. 

Abigail made herself into what her parents told her she was. She heard that she was useless and good for nothing, so when she was faced with an issue she panicked. If she was good for nothing, how could she solve anything?

Without us knowing, we can let our opinion of ourselves influence who we are.

Even if what we are told is coming from a place of honesty. We should not limit who we are based on that. 

Rather than letting these ideas limit, we can use them to grow. To understand what we want and what we value in ourselves and in others.

To do that we need to be willing to reflect on how we view ourselves and learn from the perception we have.

Why are we putting value in this quality? 

Why does this make me uncomfortable?

Why do I think I am like this?

If we use these feelings to understand where our hurts are coming from, we can slowly start overcoming them. From the things that hurt us, that haunt us, we can become a better version of ourselves.

We are who we are. But who we become is up to us.